I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
