Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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