I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
