I heard we made out
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.