My first STD was from a foam party
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
