A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
