i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize