After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
