Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
