Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
