Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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