No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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