those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
