You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
