The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
