Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
