I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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