This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
