I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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