My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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