everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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