The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
