Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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