and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
