My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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