I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
