Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
