You're my little dorito
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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