I'm jealous of your bromance
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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