Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
