On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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