you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
