There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
