Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize