i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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