Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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