May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you traded sex for a burrito?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
