My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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