haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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