Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
