I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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