I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
