Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
