Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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