I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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