Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
