i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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