i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
