Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
