The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
