Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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