Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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