Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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