So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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