She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
