i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
