My liver just broke up with me...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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