I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
