New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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